ARE YOU BOLD ENOUGH TO ENTER THE BLACK HOLE?

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I'm late for an important meeting and have gotten lost on the way. Automatically and abruptly, a sneaking thought comes: "Well, there's a lot of snow on the road today, and wasn't there some traffic too?" I brake hard on the road. What's going on? There's by no way much snow on the road, or traffic that's causing me not to arrive in time for this important meeting. The reason is so simple and so embarrassing that I got lost on the road and walked an extra loop around the building before finding the main door.

I am debating with myself while hurrying toward the correct door. What am I afraid will happen if I say it as it is was when I enter the meeting?

Personal warfare

A battle issue, principle issue, and topic of interest for me these past years has been "to live and lead in the light" My clients, family, and friends have probably felt it on their bodies to the point of boredom. I am talking about the art of leading oneself out of self-deception with both thoughts and behavior.

I noticed a while ago a tendency to trick myself with thoughts that are some version of the truth, often wrapped in excuses or unnecessary explanations. I discovered that my defense mechanisms kicked before I could catch my breath...! Do I want to live like that? Is it okay to allow myself this? No, absolutely not. I want to be brave and authentic in all I am and do, including on the thought level. The "war" most often takes place in the mind, and only I can go into that war and face "the enemy" head on.

Acknowledgment & Knowledge

What does it mean to acknowledge something? Is it the same as being honest or transparent? I would say acknowledgment is so much more. Some definitions say that acknowledgment is "...the activity where we find knowledge," or "...is knowledge or the very insight." Spinoza (1632–1677), a recognized and great thinker of his time, pointed out that acknowledgment is:

"..insight into individual things, and can set us free from negative passions or feelings."

The path to acknowledgment can be an important birthplace for knowledge about oneself, because we find new insight about ourselves. In my innocent example of getting lost on the way to a meeting, the knowledge (which came in the thought chain) about an underlying fear of being misinterpreted or misunderstood was exposed right before my eyes. What if they think I'm unreliable, don't care about others' time, or that I'm a poor planner?

The Black hole

Purely psychologically, we have mechanisms in us that actively try to reduce discomfort and protect ourselves from feelings that create anxiety and unrest. Further, we may use denial as an emotion to put something in the freezer for a time to help us deal with more burning issues. It is easy to either act instenctively or take the easy or more pleasant way out of the uncomfortable situation. I have simply (in a metaphorical sense) become curious about that "black hole." Because there's a dangerous and harmful ditch that I experience people very often end up sitting in. It's the ditch of self-deception after letting defense mechanisms work at high gear when meeting surroundings that evoke lots of negative and uncomfortable feelings we simply can't, don't have the energy for, or don't want to deal with. We see this tendency all the time. Politicians, public people, leaders, and people like you and me in everyday life. I'm talking about examples of tendencies like denying ("I didn't say or do that"), repressing ("I can't remember saying or doing that"), displacing ("I yell and am angry at you when I'm actually angry at myself"), or suppressing the discomfort ("I don't want to think about it, talk about it") rather than meeting the discomfort for what it is and taking personal responsibility. Don't we all do this quite often?

Monkeys in the dark

Personal growth requires an honest assessment: You must examine what lies underneath and drives each individual thought or behavior. Why did I react by defending myself when he just gave me constructive feedback. A coach at a seminar I attended a few years ago talked about "monkeys" as an image for "issues" or problems one has in life that is causing behavior that does not serve you or other well. I, who am so visual, didn't take long to imagine uncontrollable monkeys both rampling and making noise under the "rugs." You find the monkeys only when you're bold enough to go down into that "black hole" and see what's there. The sounds and noise from the hole can eventually become so audible and visible that everyone else sees it, even if you don't want to admit there's something there that needs to be handled. Often solutions become to (over)compensate for the discomfort by "turning up the music," or redirecting focus to something else and pretending it's not there..

Turning On the Light

I've explored many black holes in my own and others' lives. What prevents us from going there? Mostly it's fear that holds us back. It could be fear that what's down there (which we often don't quite know) will gain some kind of power over us, become a self-fulfilling prophecy, or perhaps hurt or be too shameful to touch. What will people say? What will the employees think about me? Maybe that monkey will define me as a person or as a leader? Usually, we have an ideal image about ourselves - created from own standards and/or shaped from people's expectations.The gap between actual and ideal image can be painful to acknowledge. Here comes the paradox—we cannot experience change, or transformation without acknowledging brutally where we are (!) When we dare to acknowledge the realites and being vulnerable, we TURN ON THE LIGHT and face the actual reality with clarity. When I got my eyes on that little monkey, I grabbed it under the arm and looked it in the eyes with my core values (moral compass) and took "social risk" by entering the meeting with an honest "announcement". What do you think happened?

Light dweller = Respect

"I'm so sorry I'm late. This is due to poor planning and that I got lost on the road and went the wrong way."

Meeting participants who were glaring narrowly and sideways at the beginning changed facial expressions in a second. "Oh... that's totally fine... just sit down." I could almost hear their thoughts and expectations that "now a long defense speech with a thousand excuses is coming for why she's late." None of those explanations or excuses came from my mouth. Who hasn't come late because of poor planning or time optimism? I smiled to myself. It felt good to take responsibility and stand upright in the light! Especially also when someone nodded my way as they said "I respect that".

Show the Way

Imagine if everyone was busy with "monkey management"? How would the world be if we all were brave and said:

"You're right, I was wrong..." ..... "I acknowledge that I feel I'm not getting it..." ... "I made a mistake..." ... "I was afraid you wouldn't take me seriously..." "I haven't taken my responsibility as a leader in this area..." "I need help"...I don't know..

It's easy to tell everyone else what's smart (spectator), but challenging to live it out yourself. However, the reward of living it out is so much more than respect, trust and personal influence. You build culture and pave the way for others.

www.centerline.no

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