C.S Lewis = the "Brené Brown" of the time 🫠

" Vulnerability is a profound strenght that lies in our willingness to be seen, to be real and to face life with an open heart even when it hurts. It is not: exposing your wounds, admitting defeat or relenquising control, but about ... 👣S t e p p i n g f o r w a r d👣 even when there is no guaranties. It is the courage to say; - I don't have all the answers... - Being honest about you struggeling - The audacity to open your self up to connection, knowing that is comes with a risk of rejection, judgement or heartbreak. What makes vulnerability so 💥powerful💥 is that it requires us to confront fear head on. Fair of failure, fear of being seen as a failure, and fear of not being enough. ✨️Vulnerability (showing up) is a testament of bravery and authencity. This door invites us to growth and transformation. The thought of you don't have it all creates rather a space for curiocity and exploration. Achknowledging our pain helps process rather than burying it. Vulnerability is not easy. It takes trust. Trust in your self. Trust in others. Trust in the process. It doesn't comes without risk. It is not about the response you will receive (at the arena) but it is about the ❤️‍🔥C H O I C E❤️‍🔥 to show up regardless of the outcome. That choice is the 💥power💥 within you.

💭 You can do one thing that does not cost money to strenghten your relationships...

Dr. John Gottman has researched and studied couples for several decades and identified some strikingly precise findings that distinguish dysfunctional relationships (“disasters”) from functional ones (“masters”). One key factor is the ability to never let curiosity and knowledge about the other person fade away.

Gottman says:

“We usually make statements and broadcast things rather than asking questions.”

His recommendation is to replace 50% of what you say (or are about to say) in a conversation with open-ended questions (not yes/no questions), in order to explore and deepen the relationship.

What do you think would happen to the content of your conversations if you asked questions such as:

What has been meaningful to you today?
What is it like to be a mother right now?
What are you learning at work these days?
What are you hoping will happen this week?

I know now how to persevere

Changing behavior and thought patterns is among the most difficult things we do in life. New habits take time and energy to establish. Kristian (32) wanted his life to be different and made a firm decision not to give up until the results were manifesting:

“Having regular check-ins when a process doesn’t just take a month or three, but stretches over a longer period, has been incredibly important to me. Some processes simply take time. Some strongholds are just stubborn. Sometimes you have to go round after round after round. The value of being able to stand with someone in difficult things—things that don’t just disappear, where the battles are costly—can be measured in a life that changes one step at a time. Meeting to talk about it gives me a boost and motivation to keep going, and it lifts my perspective. It is demanding to be vulnerable with someone in difficult situations, but I would absolutely recommend Rebecca, even when it’s not just about a step or two, but a long journey!”

Is there something you want to change that feels difficult to face on your own?

Living with purpose = a higher likelihood of living longer and better

We human beings are meaning-seeking by nature, and it seems we are wired to live for something greater than ourselves. We go the extra mile, volunteer our time, work overtime, and engage in causes that matter to us throughout life. Not only is it good for us to be passionate about something and to belong, but researchers also suggest that you are more likely to live longer because you tend to make better choices (that benefit your health), buffer stress, and thereby reduce inflammation.

Rebecca chair Mission Aviation Fellowship International in Norway, and out of curiosity she interviewed one of the pilots, Eivind. In his context, purpose can go as far as costing your life. Why are one willing to expose oneself to such risk—and for people he or she do not even know?

Eivind explains:

“We continuously assess risk, but we are willing to accept a certain level of it because the mission is so all-encompassing: it is about giving all people an eternal hope and a better life here on earth.”

Not everyone has a job or calling like Eivind’s, but all of us carry some “combustible material” within us that can be ignited by a spark. When that spark catches and becomes a fire, it generates tremendous energy. This energy becomes a driving force that can give us both capacity and direction in life.

I am now a better version of myself

Everyone has challenges and a past that can hold us back or influence the choices we make-- sometimes preventing us from moving forward. The challenge is often to identify what those barriers are—and not the least: to gain the tools needed to move ahead. Siri (29) knew that something had to change:

“Previously, I have seen both a psychologist and received counseling to help me deal with personal difficulties and challenges, but I often left without a concrete plan. In my personal development sessions with Rebecca, I was met with recognition, care, and honesty. At the same time, she helped me put words to where I was and gave me tools to address my challenges. I experienced a sense of ownership over my situation right where I was and became more aware of what I can and cannot control. This has helped me become a better version of myself, both personally and professionally. I am now also able to help others in similar situations.”

Do you feel that something is holding you back from becoming more of who you want to be?

Rebecca's morning routine

I don’t know about you, but I find that if I don’t take charge of my day, the day quickly takes charge of me. Just think about the power our thoughts have over our health and how we feel. A proverb from the wise King Solomon says:

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”

In many ways, we become what we think. That is why it is so important to take charge of our thoughts—and not least of what we fill ourselves with.

What do I do? I have developed a small set of morning routines that provide a solid foundation for the day (though I don’t always manage to follow them perfectly). Some days it’s just 5–10 minutes because I’ve slept too little or lost track of time. Other days, I have the luxury of spending up to 60 minutes (when I’m on schedule).

This is what I do:

Nourishment for the soul/spirit: I read or listen to something that builds me up and moves me in the direction I want to go.
Gratitude: I review my “meaning/joy list,” reflect on the good things I’ve experienced recently, and write down both small and big moments from the previous day.
Awareness: I acknowledge my current state and mood, and consciously choose my mindset for the day.

What do you do to start your day well? What would give you a good start?

I'm glad I don't have to think about where I could have been

Almost everyone goes through some difficult phases in life. Sometimes the social crisis feels like the utter darkness with no way out. At such times, it is crucial to invite another person in and get some tools to work with. It is human to feel stuck, but we donæt want to stay in the "stuckness". Mirjam (28) is at her best place in life now because she decided to give "help" a chance:

I was in an incredibly dark place and started having conversations with Rebecca in February, something I am eternally grateful for. It was easy to be myself. I was allowed to be angry, frustrated, to ask the big questions, and most of all, given space to be where I was. Rebecca is able to show love, safety, patience, and challenges just enough so that I can move forward without it becoming overwhelming. She has a lot of experience and her feet are firmly planted on the ground, but even more importantly, she can get you to lift your gaze "upward" even when there seems to be no hope. A change in life circumstances doesn't happen overnight, and the regular conversations have meant everything – to be allowed to try and fail on my own, while still having close follow-up and a safe harbor in Rebecca. I can say with my hand on my heart that the choice I made by starting to have conversations with Rebecca is one of the absolute most important and best choices I've ever made. I'm glad I don't have to think about where I would have been without it.

Does life feel hopeless, or are you struggling to see where the path goes?

Are you taking on this weekend's challenge?

In this week's blog post, Rebecca talks about the courage to enter the "black hole", to face what's there, and then take responsibility for your "monkey". "Monkey management" can be really scary! But truth sets you free, acknowledgment is taking personal responsibility, and vulnerability builds trust and respect among those around you.

👉 When you're in a situation where you're tempted to take an easy route or sugar coat the truth, stop and ask yourself:

"What am I afraid will happen if I just say it as it is?

What do I believe I will loose?"

If you're extra brave - challenge yourself by sharing the reality to someone you will take the risk and trust and take note on how they respond to your honesty and vulnerabilty.

ARE YOU BOLD ENOUGH TO ENTER THE BLACK HOLE?

_____________________________

I'm late for an important meeting and have gotten lost on the way. Automatically and abruptly, a sneaking thought comes: "Well, there's a lot of snow on the road today, and wasn't there some traffic too?" I brake hard on the road. What's going on? There's by no way much snow on the road, or traffic that's causing me not to arrive in time for this important meeting. The reason is so simple and so embarrassing that I got lost on the road and walked an extra loop around the building before finding the main door.

I am debating with myself while hurrying toward the correct door. What am I afraid will happen if I say it as it is was when I enter the meeting?

Personal warfare

A battle issue, principle issue, and topic of interest for me these past years has been "to live and lead in the light" My clients, family, and friends have probably felt it on their bodies to the point of boredom. I am talking about the art of leading oneself out of self-deception with both thoughts and behavior.

I noticed a while ago a tendency to trick myself with thoughts that are some version of the truth, often wrapped in excuses or unnecessary explanations. I discovered that my defense mechanisms kicked before I could catch my breath...! Do I want to live like that? Is it okay to allow myself this? No, absolutely not. I want to be brave and authentic in all I am and do, including on the thought level. The "war" most often takes place in the mind, and only I can go into that war and face "the enemy" head on.

Acknowledgment & Knowledge

What does it mean to acknowledge something? Is it the same as being honest or transparent? I would say acknowledgment is so much more. Some definitions say that acknowledgment is "...the activity where we find knowledge," or "...is knowledge or the very insight." Spinoza (1632–1677), a recognized and great thinker of his time, pointed out that acknowledgment is:

"..insight into individual things, and can set us free from negative passions or feelings."

The path to acknowledgment can be an important birthplace for knowledge about oneself, because we find new insight about ourselves. In my innocent example of getting lost on the way to a meeting, the knowledge (which came in the thought chain) about an underlying fear of being misinterpreted or misunderstood was exposed right before my eyes. What if they think I'm unreliable, don't care about others' time, or that I'm a poor planner?

The Black hole

Purely psychologically, we have mechanisms in us that actively try to reduce discomfort and protect ourselves from feelings that create anxiety and unrest. Further, we may use denial as an emotion to put something in the freezer for a time to help us deal with more burning issues. It is easy to either act instenctively or take the easy or more pleasant way out of the uncomfortable situation. I have simply (in a metaphorical sense) become curious about that "black hole." Because there's a dangerous and harmful ditch that I experience people very often end up sitting in. It's the ditch of self-deception after letting defense mechanisms work at high gear when meeting surroundings that evoke lots of negative and uncomfortable feelings we simply can't, don't have the energy for, or don't want to deal with. We see this tendency all the time. Politicians, public people, leaders, and people like you and me in everyday life. I'm talking about examples of tendencies like denying ("I didn't say or do that"), repressing ("I can't remember saying or doing that"), displacing ("I yell and am angry at you when I'm actually angry at myself"), or suppressing the discomfort ("I don't want to think about it, talk about it") rather than meeting the discomfort for what it is and taking personal responsibility. Don't we all do this quite often?

Monkeys in the dark

Personal growth requires an honest assessment: You must examine what lies underneath and drives each individual thought or behavior. Why did I react by defending myself when he just gave me constructive feedback. A coach at a seminar I attended a few years ago talked about "monkeys" as an image for "issues" or problems one has in life that is causing behavior that does not serve you or other well. I, who am so visual, didn't take long to imagine uncontrollable monkeys both rampling and making noise under the "rugs." You find the monkeys only when you're bold enough to go down into that "black hole" and see what's there. The sounds and noise from the hole can eventually become so audible and visible that everyone else sees it, even if you don't want to admit there's something there that needs to be handled. Often solutions become to (over)compensate for the discomfort by "turning up the music," or redirecting focus to something else and pretending it's not there..

Turning On the Light

I've explored many black holes in my own and others' lives. What prevents us from going there? Mostly it's fear that holds us back. It could be fear that what's down there (which we often don't quite know) will gain some kind of power over us, become a self-fulfilling prophecy, or perhaps hurt or be too shameful to touch. What will people say? What will the employees think about me? Maybe that monkey will define me as a person or as a leader? Usually, we have an ideal image about ourselves - created from own standards and/or shaped from people's expectations.The gap between actual and ideal image can be painful to acknowledge. Here comes the paradox—we cannot experience change, or transformation without acknowledging brutally where we are (!) When we dare to acknowledge the realites and being vulnerable, we TURN ON THE LIGHT and face the actual reality with clarity. When I got my eyes on that little monkey, I grabbed it under the arm and looked it in the eyes with my core values (moral compass) and took "social risk" by entering the meeting with an honest "announcement". What do you think happened?

Light dweller = Respect

"I'm so sorry I'm late. This is due to poor planning and that I got lost on the road and went the wrong way."

Meeting participants who were glaring narrowly and sideways at the beginning changed facial expressions in a second. "Oh... that's totally fine... just sit down." I could almost hear their thoughts and expectations that "now a long defense speech with a thousand excuses is coming for why she's late." None of those explanations or excuses came from my mouth. Who hasn't come late because of poor planning or time optimism? I smiled to myself. It felt good to take responsibility and stand upright in the light! Especially also when someone nodded my way as they said "I respect that".

Show the Way

Imagine if everyone was busy with "monkey management"? How would the world be if we all were brave and said:

"You're right, I was wrong..." ..... "I acknowledge that I feel I'm not getting it..." ... "I made a mistake..." ... "I was afraid you wouldn't take me seriously..." "I haven't taken my responsibility as a leader in this area..." "I need help"...I don't know..

It's easy to tell everyone else what's smart (spectator), but challenging to live it out yourself. However, the reward of living it out is so much more than respect, trust and personal influence. You build culture and pave the way for others.